LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE: THE OVERVIEW

Learning to live and get along with people you do not know very well can be one of the greatest challenges you will face while at Appalachian. Best friends often have the most difficult time living together, simply because they didn't sit down and talk about some ground rules for the year. You and your roommate(s) may become best friends, or you may not. You may choose to do very little together, or spend quite a bit of time together. Whichever way it works out for you, the experience will be equally valuable. It is through respecting one another's space and expressing your needs and wants that you will create the warm and open relationship that will contribute to a successful year. You will learn that each person is different, and what seems normal to you may be very foreign to your roommate(s). Your roommates are not the only people who will have pet peeves and strange habits; you will need to take a close look at yourself as well.

The most common cause of roommate conflict stems from the little things that are not addressed until they seem huge: the clothes strewn around the room or the number of guests your roommate has or the lights being left on or the window left open. Coupled with these types of issues is the need to incorporate and accept the diverse living traditions of the many different cultures and backgrounds right here on-campus.

But I Already Know My Roommate!

Some of you may have chosen to live with someone you already know. It could be a friend, someone from school, a cousin, etc. A common scenario, which has lead to conflict, is two friends who thought they already knew everything about each other. Being roommates is very different from being friends with someone. It isn't uncommon for friends to make assumptions about each other, and to then find out that those assumptions were incorrect. Living with someone you already know can be great. In order to help make your friendship into a successful roommate relationship, make sure that you too participate in this exercise. You may already know some of the information you need to know about each other, but you will likely benefit from learning a few things of which you were not aware.

As the year progresses your friendship is going to develop in many different ways. While you may already know one another, you may each find it advantageous to meet other floormates, and begin to develop new friendships.

For People Living in Apartments

Living in an apartment set up combines elements from living single (in your own bedroom) and living with others (in the common space of your apartment). You may already know someone living in your suite. Spend some time getting to know your suitemates as individuals, and learn about your similarities and differences. Living in an apartment can be a wonderful experience, but one that requires a great deal of communication and understanding between the occupants. An apartment offers a unique living environment in a university setting, but not without similarly unique challenges.

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE: THE ROOMMATE CONTRACT

Can I sleep with the lights on, or do I need total darkness...?

Roommates Need to Talk to Each Other...

Have you ever tried to imagine what your college roommate will be like? We would all like to think that we would become best friends with our roommate. The fact is, however, that the two of you may be very different, and it may take lots of work to develop a good relationship. Often it is hard to talk about differences when you and your roommate are first trying to get to know each other. If you intend to live together happily, you need to realize and resolve your personal differences early in the relationship.

The first step is to begin talking about the things you value and about your lifestyles, so that you can find out where your differences exist. An easy way to discover more about your roommate is to talk about your background. Now, share with each other the following things:

Share With Your Roommate Your Personal Preferences, Habits and Characteristics...

After sharing some background information, you and your roommate should begin to get to know each other and feel more comfortable about discussing more sensitive subjects. Take some time to talk about the things you like and dislike, and those things about you that he or she needs to know.

Now, sit down with your roommate and discuss each of these items, one by one. Be sure to listen to your roommate carefully. These are sometimes tough things to discuss; and if you don't remember what he or she says about a lot of these issues, your roommate could decide you really weren't interested anyway.

How I React When...

An important part of understanding your roommate is learning how he or she "feels" in certain situations. Roommates who enjoy living with each other typically "read" each others' feelings fairly accurately, and are able to respond to one another accordingly.
If you can share your feelings and reactions in some of the following situations, you will be ahead of the game in understanding and empathizing with your roommate during the ups and downs of college life. Now, take some time to talk about these items:

House Cleaning?

One of the typical areas of conflict between roommates is who cleans the room and when it is cleaned. You may be one who never notices the mess until you realize you can't get to your bed at night without stumbling over clothes and junk...or you may be just the opposite. It is often helpful to sit down together and draw up a written agreement stating the cleaning duties for each week. Decide what is important to you both, and go from there. If your roommate is not doing his or her part, don't wait around for a change. Talk to him or her soon. Don't demand or write notes complaining. These things make for hard feelings and they just increase problems instead of solving them. You can expect your roommate to do the same thing if you are not living up to your part of the bargain. Some of the areas you need to discuss now are:

What About Those Friends...

It is important for you and your roommate to come to some agreement concerning visitors. If you have a roommate with friends who stay up late or party all the time when you need to study, you may be in a bad situation. You may also have a roommate whose girlfriend or boyfriend visits far too often for your comfort. Talk to your roommate and find out his or her feelings about when and what time visitation is best. Then work together to get things out in the open when they bother you. Otherwise, it's that same old problem of things building up and becoming bigger than they really need to be. Now, spend some time honestly discussing the following items:

Super Roommate!

You've probably figured out by now that communication is the key to successful residence hall living. Always strive to keep those lines of communication open. Chances are that if something is bothering you, it's bothering your roommate, too. It's hard to keep feelings inside, and they usually show up on somebody's face. Be tactful when you talk to him or her. After all, your roommate is human, too.

You need to spend time with your roommate and get to know him or her. You will both encounter new experiences at Appalachian; and if you're spending time together, it will be much easier to understand what you're both going through. Try to build on those things you're experiencing together.

Have other friends and get involved in some activities which interest you. We all need room to breathe, so don't depend on your roommate to supply your every emotional and social need. If you have talked your way through these areas, you and your roommate should be well on the way to a good relationship. Remember, none of us are perfect. If problems develop between you and your roommate that you can't seem to solve, go see your Resident Assistant or Residence Director before you completely lose your cool or give up. These people have had experience with such situations and will be glad to work with you and your roommate on a solution. Don't let problems go until too much ill feeling has developed. Believe it or not, most problems do have solutions!